John Oliver: You realize by now every Canadian white dude wants to take a big dump on your head over this right?


Canadians only rarely get pissed this much. You know Canadians are mad as hell when they get you on newspapers’ front pages like these…

NB woman

Every Canadian white dude understands that juxtaposed next to your face, “N.B. woman” (New Brunswick, a Canadian province) means…”Guys, of course she is white…hello!… From New Brunswick, the only immigrant population up there are beluga whales… So she couldn’t be any whiter guys, and he fucking did it…”

Ghomeshi: I didn’t mean to shock–

John Oliver: –you only meant to choke…

Ghomeshi: I am sorry. I say sorry to everyone of these women. I say sorry to Canadians. I say sorry to New Brunswick. I say sorry to Iranians.

John Oliver: What do you say sorry to Iranians for?

Ghomeshi: For letting them down.

John Oliver: But, you’re only a one-man-sexual-assault operation…you do not represent Iran. Are you a Ayatola or some kind of Iranian official?

Ghomeshi: You don’t understand. Over here, when you’re a minority and you fuck up, some people start looking beyond you as an individual. They try to look into your ethnic group. Ben Johnson, former Jamaican-Canadian track runner who cheated at the 1988 Olympics, knows what I’m talking about. The only difference here is that I’m not Jamaican. I am an Iranian-Canadian.

John Oliver: Iranians didn’t invent slapping your female sex partners silly without their consent! You could’ve asked nicely, who knows one or two might have been into the same fucking kinky stuff … or at least you could’ve just had sex. What’s wrong with just having sex? Do you know how many people went without sex in the world that night? I know! I didn’t have a show back then, I wasn’t even half a celebrity. I once went without sex for three long years. Do you understand that? Any longer and I would have needed holy water and exorcism to at least start fucking ambient spirits.


John Oliver: Don’t pull that puzzled look on me! You are not an iranian official so quit saying you represent all Iranians! You do not! And anyone who would think so is just sick and fucked in the head like you! But thank goodness, the whole mess was brought to light. Karma is a She. And you sir are a news she-itze (German for manure)! Good night!