Left emotionally and physically hurt from the multi-vehicle accident on the New Jersey Turnpike three months ago, Tracy Morgan’s pain just reached its peak when it got to an even more private area of his body, an area surprisingly still unknown to the greater public, his ass. Because this week Walmart’s lawyers accused him and his entourage of reckless self-endangerment and to be sole responsible for the injuries sustained and the one death (of comedian Ardie Fuqua) that ensued the collision, arguing that Tracy and Co. should have had their seatbelts on.

Tracy statement obtained exclusively by TRN News reads in part:

“I did nothing wrong, man! I did nothing wrong. See, Walmart’s strategy here is pretty much like this. Say that Walmart lawyer — you know, the one that was like two feet tall in court the other day — say he gets hit by a car in his own driveway by his wife. So his wife lawyers up too. And her lawyer says:

‘‘It’s your fault, you, Guinness-world-record-certified shortest Walmart lawyer ever, even in the future. For three seconds, you saw your wife’s vehicle approaching; you should have run faster not to get hit. Biology shows that a man even as short as you and Kevin Hart, ten years older than both of you, in as good health as you must be able to easily sprint at 2 miles an hour, even on a 24-hour empty stomach. But you, Walmart shortest, had just eaten two lunches, four breakfasts, and gallons of Walmart lawyer-ing strategy bullshit in the last 12 hours. However, CCTV footage of the creepy, paranoid neighbor right across the street from your house show your chunky shortness running away from your wife’s car at a speed estimated at 0.5 miles an hour. We’re sorry, it’s your fault! You have perfectly functioning little man’s legs, good health, so …tough luck, you could have run faster, pal. Case dismissed!